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02 December 2016 @ 10:15 pm
I'm not sure where to start.
i mean, it's been so long since i've posted on lj, so many things have happened. how do i even begin? i told my therapist that i was going to try to post something again. it was once a great way to just PROCESS, before i even used that term; to throw all my experiences and feelings out into the pit of the internet. whether they floated or sank, it was a release.
i've always been the sort to talk out my problems, but i suppose 'adulting' comes with the realization that you and your friends are all dealing with day to day shit, and it is exhausting and unfair to make them listen to all of it. So, you share less with others, and come to your friends when you are really struggling and need some extra emotional support; fine, but the need remained. i started on lj over ten years ago. it was an outlet through some significant life changes for me, to say the least.

This year, 2016, has been the hardest, busiest, likely most difficult year of my life to date. Not a BAD year, but a growing year. a productive year, and i've wanted to stay on top of it. and i have, but it has been a regular slug-fest.

the year started with almost losing my dad. hospital bedside, rehabilitation, the whole package. it was scary, but he seems to have made a full recovery. i think i'm still recovering from the stress of those three weeks. that was Feb. i came back and started studying for the pbar. i took it and failed at the end of Apr. beginning May i hired an assistant for a few hours a week, and it really helped to streamline my work. i started kungfu. Jun/Jul was MG work on top of everything else. i started therapy (after three years). Aug/Sept was prepping for and retaking the pbar. failed it by about 6 questions.

Oct 1st, i married David. the sweet and supportive and capable fellow that leaves me breathless with how wonderful he can be. he is the perfect life partner the ceremony was lovely. we blended Buddhist vows into a standard pagan handfasting, our people of honor invoked the elements, smitha and crystal played the han and leia theme on their instruments as the high priest and high priestess wrapped our joined hands together. dinner and the party was a blast. we had about 120 people there. two weeks later we went and ran the KC half marathon i'd been training for all spring and summer. 2:52, whoot!

October i caught up with work and prepped through till the end of nov for my third pbar exam. missed it by 2-3 questions this time. fuuuuuuck. trekking through Mordor with Frodo sounds more appealing at this point. i was going to drive dad down south and have david meet for xmas, but i can still squeeze in one more pbar exam, and hopefully pass, before 2017. so the amazing david is going to help dad head south and settle in for the winter, and i can study for the pbar. this test has been something else. i'm not used to failing exams, and certainly not used to retaking one this many times! i suppose this has been a good lesson in perseverance.

what else? i had a decent garden year, over all. EPIC tomatoes, 8 varieties. we made 30 qts of delicious sauce. kale, three varieties, are only just now getting ready to wrap up for the year. squash was a no-go. still no spinach. peppers were disappointing. started new garden areas (shade and wet gardens!), and continue to cultivate the wildflower areas.

We're halfway through my Conan campaign with my gaming group. it's been pretty fun. the group has been amazing, and i can't wait to see them finish. not enough other nerd time in my life. maybe next year.

i've logged over 100hrs of volunteer work with the Univ of Ill Extension Office Master Gardener program this year. almost half of that was my presentations for the summer science camp (plants in spaace!), crammed into about two months. :P i gave my fengshui and zen gardens presentation twice. plus all the co-chair stuff for the demonstration garden.

there was something else that happened. but i still don't want to talk about it. i still don't know what to say. it will eventually work itself out, but no time soon, apparently.

i'm still here. i'm putting one foot in front of the other and slogging my way through this mire. i will succeed, no matter how slow and incremental it feels this year. progress is progress. and i love a challenge!
10 March 2015 @ 08:11 pm
B is visiting, which is a wonderful and special time of the year!
i told him that i thought our relationship was summed up in the She Wants Revenge song, Tear You Apart. it's sexual, it's kinky, it's about two people that are drawn to each other undeniably.
B came back with Depeche Mode's "It's No Good". Oh my goddess, this just blows me away with all the feels:

I'm going to take my time
I have all the time in the world
To make you mine
It is written in the stars above
The gods decree
You'll be right here by my side
Right next to me
You can run, but you cannot hide

Don't say you want me
Don't say you need me
Don't say you love me
It's understood
Don't say you're happy
Out there without me
I know you can't be
'cause it's no good

I'll be fine
I'll be waiting patiently
Till you see the signs
And come running to my open arms
When will you realize
Do we have to wait till our worlds collide
Open up your eyes
You can't turn back the tide

Don't say you want me
Don't say you need me
Don't say you love me
It's understood
Don't say you're happy
Out there without me
I know you can't be
'cause it's no good

I'm going to take my time
I have all the time in the world
To make you mine
It is written in the stars above

Don't say you want me
Don't say you need me
Don't say you love me
It's understood
Don't say you're happy
Out there without me
I know you can't be
'cause it's no good
11 February 2015 @ 05:07 pm
i've been re-reading Stephen King's Dark Tower series; it is one of my top favorite stories, and i don't consider myself a King fan. i'm done with the first five, but the sixth and seventh book are the long and arduous and painful portions of story--i haven't been able to touch them yet. i've read other books in the meantime, but book six is there by my pillow every night when i climb into bed. it's a reluctance to finish it, a wistfulness to remain at a point when the characters are still safe and happy and strong, and perhaps a hope that it will end differently this time combining with the fear that it will not.

every person is on a quest.
this is our life, our only life we are sure of having, and we don't know how long it will last or what will happen to us along the way. there are elements of control, parameters of possibility; which seem to widen and narrow as we move along.
i have been realizing that accepting adulthood is in many ways accepting the compartmentalization of the possible realities available to you as you move forward in time. perhaps feeling dissatisfied with where life, chance, and your choices have lead explains how loving children become callous adults. we are so far past the day when a person could read every book every published. we have to decide where we will specialize and invest our time, and each decision makes it harder and less probable we will be able to accomplish the thing on the other end of the spectrum.
few people are fortunate enough to have a strong sense of purpose, and even less have the opportunity of achieving their purpose. through the support, sacrifice, and encouragement of my family i am a rare soul who has both.
for so long i was approaching that actualization. but now, the large part of my life i spent striving to begin my career is over. i am starting my third year of 'living the dream', and presumably the only thing stopping me is me. i find it daunting in the cusp of the year; the deep solitude of Winter (such a shift from the buzzing dance of life the other three seasons) provides time to reflect and prepare for the activity to come, but it also gives space to hesitate and feel overwhelmed with the weight of what is ahead.
i'm not alone, right? many people struggle to take the next step before them. so why do i feel like such a failure in those moments? i think of what my parents have done to prepare me, all my loved ones who are proud and excited to see what i make of myself, and finally the expectations i have for myself and my vision of who i may be; and the fear of disappointment is a wave covering my head.


I have finished Song of Susannah (the sixth book). I am shaking off my paralysis and jumping back into the fray. I have taken action. I have rallied my support structure.
'one step at a time' is the mantra.
if Roland's ka-tet can take on the Crimson King, i can handle my end of things, right?
i am trying to set aside worrying about all the things i do not have time for (will i ever finish that novel??) and focus on dividing the monuments of my life into small steps.
i am so lucky. i have family and friends who love and support me, a fantastic partner who goes to great lengths to make me happy, and a life i chose (as much as one is able). there is no reason to rush, i am living my dreams and i must soak up every precious moment.
perhaps it is good to have these moments of feeling overwhelmed, to feel shaken and humble and desperate. when i gather my strength to push on it is with the sense of perspective easily lost in the rush of life, and with a renewed pride in where i am in this time--this moment.
i sing your praises, Oh-Universe.
i celebrate my part in THIS; i pray that i add to the balance of good and love.
26 June 2014 @ 10:09 pm
i cannot stop
holding the ghost of you
close to my heart,

you still live there
still laughing and crying
dancing or solemn
a simultaneous compression of every remaining memory of you,
a clockworks of regret nestled tight and quiet.

i cannot stop
hoping the ghosts in you
have been left far behind;

dried up in the desert;
even less than a memory:
no witness to your freedom--
bound like wings on race horses,
twinkling in your soft elephant eyes,
curling the corners of your lips where once they pressed down.

your metamorphosis immaculate and unyielding.

i cannot stop
holding the ghost of you
as a talisman,
as one holds a coin fervently
before dropping that wish into unknown depths,
willing it to rise as a star in another world.
24 June 2014 @ 06:55 am
I have a garden,
the radish gone woody, the green leaf lettuce is bolting to seed.
council of tomato grow dark and stately, proudly topping their heads with golden blossom crowns;
the sugar snap pea playfully winding its fingers along the trellis;
the squash leaves bursting from their hills as chloroplastic fireworks.

The rain is overwhelming. Spring cried her eyes out in the end,
inches of water standing in the yard, in the garden, around the manure pile.
A mysterious well has replaced the asparagus.
Dog racing through puddles, regarded by tomato plants as fountain statuary,
long streamers of water thrown behind his romping feet.

Merry Summer Solstice, the heat of Day, the Sun, Life-bearer to Earth--much welcome.
Such joy in the green moss dancing under willow branches whispering
a home-coming spelled in fireflies, sung in frog-song,
repeated in the memories of lichen layers along the rotten apricot stump.

Now we come full circle, back to the starting point;
where we can now see the shadows of what has come before,
where we can now trace the shape of things familiar,
we balance the longest night in one hand and the longest day in the other.
Rejoice in the beauty of every
16 March 2014 @ 07:30 am
Chicago neighborhoods, crowded blocks with apartments, old wood and bricks. Meteors striking the earth, leaving hazy and overcast dread, the smell of smoke and dust. Packing and searching begins. Searching for necessary tools, vehicle, and my people, so many things thrown in sacks and piled in the living room. Found my sister with msynthropes and ruffians, surly and tripping on acid. I manage to get her and Willie Nelson back with the others. I am trying to coordinate, delegate, and be efficient. I search for my station wagon, manuver it in place, the streets are empty and cluttered, the buildings full of people huddling against the end. The dread of the next big impact looming, palpable. I expect to fight to protect my cargo--the abandoned streets scream for calamity. I assign loading positions, and start to feel like we're are making progress to getting underground well-prepared. That is when someone tells me that they had put acid in the water, and it's only a matter of time till I lose the ability to function. In this escalating apocalypse, my hopes unravel and my skin crawls as I grip every failed senario.
I wake up, feeling helpless and short on time. The winds howl with Spring and snow.
13 November 2013 @ 03:24 pm
we grow on the bones of our fathers
we grow in the grace of the sun
we reach out sickled arms in every direction
we are unending

our fingers besotted with lovers
our perfume heavy and seductive
our faces are poetry
our seeds innumerable

we are unending
we cannot be stopped
we are everywhere, roses
everything is roses
16 July 2013 @ 07:55 am
In my dream I was traveling in Columbia with you and my mom. You were pleasant, gentile, and finally speaking to me. I was so relieved to have a normal conversation with you that I didn't even panic when I realized we had stumbled onto some plot by the local government involving the local water supply, and that the wrong people had found out that we knew. I was shoving things into a bag, trying to get your nose out of a book before the hit squad came to silence us. Some little girl warned us, and I only had to shoot two people with their own guns before we escaped.
My mom was more savvy than I expected, but she was always like that, and somehow or another I lost my tevva's. I recall with clarity the sensation of walking along red clay street tiles, they were warm with late afternoon sun and meticulously clean. Perhaps the best place in the world to walk barefoot.
24 March 2013 @ 03:22 pm
I spent three amazing weeks in Korea, and came home to a busy work schedule, food poisoning, and 14hrs of time difference to adjust to. not only did i have amazing chance to explore Korea as a country and cultural experience, but i also was able to grow closer to B and share some wonderful moments with him.

from long years of being with partners who readily give lip-service but hold arms-length otherwise (the kind who make the end of a relationship a unilateral decision that they will send you a memo about later), i have really developed issue with validation and the apparently-inherent insecurity of relationships. when i have any sort of inkling that something is not on the level or less than perfect, it is quite literally a fight against a knee-jerk reaction to keep in perspective and not 'fall down the rabbit hole' of assumptions. it is even worse when my partner has the same insecurities, mine being not uncommon at all, and we exacerbate the situation beyond recognition. i lose perspective and can't enjoy what i have in the moment for fear of what i might lose in the future. i have grown to value one thing above all others; honesty. the honest truth, no matter how far it is from what i think i want to hear, is still infinitely better and causes much less pain than false niceties. the truly difficult struggle in my love of honesty is discovering how to correctly encourage it with one's reactions even if the information you are receiving is painful. and even more so, if i do feel that honesty is the best policy, shouldn't my most honest response be embracing its revelation? and being present, and accepting change is mediation practice. but, when a fellow you have been in love with for years finally tells you that he doesn't think he will ever feel the same about you, smiling may not readily be an option. and that's ok. but accompanying that initial sting is relief, and an understanding of how hard it is for somethings to be said; because, you care so much about the other person that it is not about rationalization, platitudes, or saving face.

so what do i have? i have a man who cares about me as much as he can. who cares enough to tell me the whole story when i ask, when it would be easier not to. who has been a close-friend for almost ten years. someone who never asked for my love, but who has never pushed me away. someone i genuinely feel comfortable around, and who i fundamentally feel deserves to have unconditional love. someone who has shown numerous times that he is willing to travel across the country or planet to see me. someone i've had countless adventures with: http://greysniperpoet.livejournal.com/2006/10/15/; http://greysniperpoet.livejournal.com/2008/02/27/; http://greysniperpoet.livejournal.com/2008/06/09/; http://greysniperpoet.livejournal.com/2011/01/11/. someone who wants me to come to Korea and spend three weeks with him. someone who's open to what might be. someone who values who i am. someone who is a good person to the core, even if he doesn't see it. what i'm attracted to in people is simple but hard to find: brains, wit/humor, and a strong moral compass; i've never met anyone who matches B in maximizing those qualities, and he's become the standard by which i measure everyone else to some degree.

all that i really lost was expectation, which is more of a blessing. not being concerned with how things will end up lets me refocus on what is right in front of me. that's what i need, and what B's always been good about; not letting me get sucked into my own neurosis too far, and i've always valued that. we had this talk early in my trip, so i was able to cry a little, thank him for his honesty, and fully enjoy the rest of my vacation. and B feeling like he didn't need to worry about leading me on, allowed him to be more affectionate and in-the-moment as well. he even took me out for a romantic date one evening, which was very sweet. he is a spectacular person and i'm happy to be in his life however he wants me. and when i am with him, it is enough. he treats me wonderfully, and i want for nothing with him. if i can keep myself from feeling inadequate for not being able to be his absolute 'everything', then i am very happy with what we have together. it might not be a conventional relationship, but it is a relationship of some sort that has been developing and growing over the last five years. probably the closest thing to a happy ending i will ever have. a part of me knows that i won't be able to trust anyone new again enough to fall in love. i think that chapter of my life is closed. i am ok with that. i have wonderful friends who have had their heart broken a dozen or more times before they found their 'one', but after three solid knock, i'm done. i just can't go through that heartbreak again. and i'm ok with that. i have a career starting, which i have to devote myself to; i have wonderful friends and family who make my life very complete; and i like who i am.
31 January 2013 @ 10:05 pm
I finally received my first foot fetish proposition on OkCupid!
The message is as follows:

"Im a classy gentleman who enjoy the finer things this life has to offer,
I'm old fashioned and always attentive with the ladys.

I'm looking for a lady with who enjoy my foot fetish
And like this life style.

I love to give feet rubs every day to my lady
Definetly love high heels and boots and back seam nylons in my lady

the classy touch the silky nylons have to enhance the beauty of female feet
Is incredible sensual and arounsing for me
I will get you as manu sling back heeled shoes and the sexiest clothing.

I love to sucking toes and licking soles of my lady
Painting her toe nails and enjoy giving pedicures
And the soft touch of female feet rubbing my chest and kissing those pretty feet

If you are interested in having your feer pampered and spoiled contact me send me an E-Mail and let's
To know each other i will take very good care of you
Im serious about this so you must too

I'll be looking forward for your reply if you always wanted to have your feet worship
I'm the ideal gentleman for you i have picture I'm classy too and a gentleman
Allow me to treat you like you deserve you know you
Always wanted as much as i do love to please you"

Wow, just wow.